Out of Air, Wind and Mist ~ A story in progress

This year has proved to be a difficult one for me. I know I haven't been myself and the longer it goes on, the longer I fear I may never find who I was again. Maybe I was meant to lose myself in order to find myself. But the truth is, I am tired of searching. More than that, I am tired of proving over and over again that I am so much more! I think for this next year I need simplicity. I need small comforts and support. I need the freedom to create an image of me that I want, desire and love.

I won't ask for massages or lattes. I won't ask for more off spring or pets. I won't ask to help out with chores or extra help needed with our Daughter..... I only ask you continue to hold me. That is all I ask. That is all that is needed.

I keep on keeping on, because giving up is not an option. I have a Daughter that looks to me as a role model. An amazing Guy who is a constant source of comfort. Friends who are a wealth of love and support. Family who relies on me.... In all of this, I must rely on my own Soul to keep the Drum beat inside me alive. I survived a traumatic Birth. I know my self worth is bigger than I even realize.

I wish you knew, that upon seeing me, you didn't see my weakness. I wish you knew, that I have fought my daemons, still fighting in fact, and this gives me strength. I wish you knew, how often you hurt me, that I hold back my venom, so as not to hurt you, I wish at times you knew. I wish you knew, I am in pain, but I don't want to be treated differently... I wish you knew, that I am a person, with emotion, not a thing to be thrown away, drifting, broken. I wish you knew, my head and mind from the inside, to better understand. Instead you assume, judge, because to you I am less than. I hate to feel weak in the face of you, being ridiculed, laughed at. How I cry at night, turn away, try to hide, but you are there, in my ear, telling me my own worst fears. Does this entity have a name, a force so strong it takes my breath away? Yes, over the years, I have created a dark mass of pain and illness. I wish you knew, the person I am referring to is you....

It's OK if things don't go according to plan. Thing happen. It's OK to keep an open mind, to be flexible.... I am feeling very scattered, unfocused. How do I pull focus from a place I can't grasp, comprehend or name? I am feeling very cranky and ridged. Is this how it is going to be? No, I know it is not, at least not for an extended period of time. In my mind it is a different story.... Just keep breathing, when I have a moment to draw breath. Everything feels so heavy. It takes effort with everything I do. Why is that? Am I what people are telling me? Am I more? or am I less. Trying to find balance behind the chaos. I also know I am not making much sense. How do I prevent that? How is it I can be so aware of the mess, yet not be my whole self at 100 percent? All these questions, never answers. Or am I not listening again? Stop asking questions, learn to LOOK.....

This time of year is crisp. It is also going by too fast. In order to add time to my day, I need to get up at 5 am.... I am trying to plan for a wedding that is 8 months away. I am not getting very excited. I had the romanticized Ideal that it would be a fun and exciting time, but it is just adding more stress. I am slowly working, and trying not to get too discouraged.... I am already feeling like I am running out of time.

I lost my voice a couple of weeks ago. I gathered my stress here, and have been run down. It is no wonder my body is being affected. Originally I thought that since I repress what I really want to say, that I should not say anything. Often times this backfires. I get burned. Just the other day I was talking with a friend of mine. It was a conversation about my past, my darkest past brought to the surface. In this moment I realized I say what I really want to say. It is not words that fail me in my moments of need, but my perspective. Don't say a word, but instead listen. I may tell my story, but listening with true intent and heart is the key I need to see my life clearly. I am listening to the wind and it tells me to be patient. I need not rush this process.

I no longer feel afraid. Writhing in pain, yes, but not afraid. I can feel my entire body tense with stress. I feel some of the layers ease away. I am tired, so very tired. But I can feel the strength rise up within me. I build upon my ancestors. I build upon my family and friends. I often consider my friends as family, for we are all connected. I reach out to grab hold of anything. At moments such as this, the world spins, or is it me that spins? Sometimes I can't tell... I am trying now to build upon myself. For I am strength. I know this. Feel this deep inside. I am strength come alive. I can survive. In order to survive the future, I must release the past. This message is played over in my head so often, it is beginning to sound like a broken record. But I feel this is a crucial step. I big and deep step, yet profound. Today marks a Black moon. Normally I don't pat attention to the phases of the moon. But today, for some reason I did. The second new moon. A second ch...

As I was about to sit and write another post, this song popped in my head. I feel as cold as Ice, but what sacrifice am I willing to pay to feel "normal" again? Love always gets me through, yet I want to abandon all that I am and run tail and hide. It is a good thing, you see. For in the midst of our greatest fear comes the storm of upheaval. Last Thursday I had my first sacral cranial massage. Ever since, I feel I am spiraling, floating sort of out of my body. Like My soul and I are not fully connected. I often felt at war with myself, my whole lif, but this feels like I am in a state of dreaming,... Very odd. I am letting go of old traumas, I know. I can't help but feel the way I am, so open has caused some unresolved issues. What part of me can I share, what part of me can I keep to just me? These are the boundaries I need to create in order to move forward.

I can't help but notice this time of year. The autumn equinox is almost upon us. I noticed the other day the swirling of the leafs in the wind. Almost magical. Like dancing. I don't feel that now, but that doesn't mean I don't want it. I want that freedom. I crave for it like a forgotten lover. I love to dance so much, that I dream of nothing else. At times like this I miss it. But moving, even a little has become a chore. I work hard to be in the moment and pain free. Some of the cause is a feeling of giving up, and giving in to the pain that captures me, torments me. Like the leafs, greening out, waiting at the chance to dance again, I wait. There is hope in my recovery. Always a fighting chance to dance and be free.

Over time, time and again. The concept of time escapes from my head Time to escape. leave this place of pain. At it again, awake, numb, coming undone. Time for control. Take back my life once more. Time to get out of my head. Oh not again. Why am I just standing here? Staring off into space... I feel myself not wanting to move, this scares me. As time moves through me, corrodes me. I just don't care at times. Other times I care too much. Always being pulled back and forth like a yo-yo. I am lost. I stop to think, breathing in deep. Time is on my side, I tell my self. But is it really? I want to hide, to not think of what this all could mean. Is it just me, in my head, like a day dream. The reality is I feel paralyzed, unable to get my body to move like I want it to. Should I just let go? relinquish control of my mind. Let my heart and soul take over? I just don't know For Time alone Escapes me....

I heard this phrase throughout my growing up year. Always overemotional. I worried and fretted. This morning, as I tried giving my one year old milk, she spilled it all over the both of us. And I cried. It is not the milk, but the culmination of all that is happening. I feel lost, confused. Not myself at all.... My fiance asked if I was OK. Thinking of the obscurity of the breakdown, I said I was. But honestly I feel a mess multiplied....

Today I went to the doctors. I got tired of being tired and in pain. Essentially was told it was stress and my C.P. acting up. I am kinda under the weather, feeling a little down. There is nothing I know of to help with C.P. Physical therapy, sure. Yoga, fine. Higher dosage in pain meds, OK. But to go on in life like this absolutely sucks! There are days I want to say I'm done, I give up. But I can't. I just can't. What kind of person would I be. My daughter looks on. It gives me the push I need to continue on.

Don't worry. I really mean a Storm. It rolled in about 2 am. I love the rain, always have. A calming soothing effect. Another night of not sleeping.... I feel sometimes, like is this all worth it? I had a hard day yesterday. I am getting married in 9 months, no where near ready. Hardly started. My dress never arrived. I tried a different one, but no one liked it. Feel like giving up, or maybe just a rest with all of this... Yes, a rest is what I need to restore order to the chaos that surrounds me. .

Another night of tossing and turning and dealing with my pain and Demons. It is 6 am, as I write the house is still. I love this moment. A moment of my own, where my thoughts are still asleep. This is the time I focus my energy into creating a life I want and need. Not to say I am not happy now. For the most part I am. I also know I am a mess. My mind and body is always "ON". Where the heck is the off switch? I feel I am withing reach of the light beyond the dark, just need to reach a bit farther.....

I have made it through Hell and back before. I have Cerebral Palsy. That said, pain comes with the territory. But lately, it is so painful that I am feeling sick... The pain inhibits my ability to eat, and to concentrate. I just want to curl up and sleep, only to wake when the pain ends. Pain to me is like a comforting familiar thing, I live with pain Daily. How do I make it at all you ask? I make it by sheer force, strength and determination.

To be honest, I am not sure how I got here. 2 years ago, I fell in love with the man of my dreams. Before that time, I was drifting through life it seems.... A year ago, I became a mother to a wonderful and beautiful Daughter. Before that time, I knew not who I was..... Now, about 2 months ago, I got engaged, I feel excited, elated, also stressed and overwhelmed. I feel inadequate to the task of Wife..... I know I started on the road to an eating disorder. I don't feel hungry, when I do, I eat, but in half portions. I try for 2 meals a day. I am so anxious and stressed. I lost over 20 pounds. Not going to lie, I love where I am at now, though people worry, I ignore all..... The pressure in my head is intense, the physical pain is high. My mind is scattered. How did I get here you ask? One day I may tell you. But for now, let's just say I am a mess. picking up the pieces of long ago, mending broken and fragmented versions of my self. Always fixing and improving, s...