Out of Air, Wind and Mist ~ A story in progress

I wish you knew, that upon seeing me, you didn't see my weakness. I wish you knew, that I have fought my daemons, still fighting in fact, and this gives me strength. I wish you knew, how often you hurt me, that I hold back my venom, so as not to hurt you, I wish at times you knew. I wish you knew, I am in pain, but I don't want to be treated differently... I wish you knew, that I am a person, with emotion, not a thing to be thrown away, drifting, broken. I wish you knew, my head and mind from the inside, to better understand. Instead you assume, judge, because to you I am less than. I hate to feel weak in the face of you, being ridiculed, laughed at. How I cry at night, turn away, try to hide, but you are there, in my ear, telling me my own worst fears. Does this entity have a name, a force so strong it takes my breath away? Yes, over the years, I have created a dark mass of pain and illness. I wish you knew, the person I am referring to is you....

It's OK if things don't go according to plan. Thing happen. It's OK to keep an open mind, to be flexible.... I am feeling very scattered, unfocused. How do I pull focus from a place I can't grasp, comprehend or name? I am feeling very cranky and ridged. Is this how it is going to be? No, I know it is not, at least not for an extended period of time. In my mind it is a different story.... Just keep breathing, when I have a moment to draw breath. Everything feels so heavy. It takes effort with everything I do. Why is that? Am I what people are telling me? Am I more? or am I less. Trying to find balance behind the chaos. I also know I am not making much sense. How do I prevent that? How is it I can be so aware of the mess, yet not be my whole self at 100 percent? All these questions, never answers. Or am I not listening again? Stop asking questions, learn to LOOK.....

This time of year is crisp. It is also going by too fast. In order to add time to my day, I need to get up at 5 am.... I am trying to plan for a wedding that is 8 months away. I am not getting very excited. I had the romanticized Ideal that it would be a fun and exciting time, but it is just adding more stress. I am slowly working, and trying not to get too discouraged.... I am already feeling like I am running out of time.

I lost my voice a couple of weeks ago. I gathered my stress here, and have been run down. It is no wonder my body is being affected. Originally I thought that since I repress what I really want to say, that I should not say anything. Often times this backfires. I get burned. Just the other day I was talking with a friend of mine. It was a conversation about my past, my darkest past brought to the surface. In this moment I realized I say what I really want to say. It is not words that fail me in my moments of need, but my perspective. Don't say a word, but instead listen. I may tell my story, but listening with true intent and heart is the key I need to see my life clearly. I am listening to the wind and it tells me to be patient. I need not rush this process.