Out of Air, Wind and Mist ~ A story in progress

It has been a month, since my hip preservation surgery. I can't help but feel so utterly alone in this journey. In the beginning, I thought I was super woman and invincible. But now? Now I feel just tired. My soul long to return home. I just have to get through each day, joyful. Yet, I struggle. This is so hard! I am in pain and no one gets how exhausting all this really is. It tests me. I have destroyed relationships. I am changing as a person. I want to believe it is for the better. But right now, I just want to snuggle up with my pillow and blanket and cry. I keep asking am I really Healing? Or am I just deceiving everyone, including me? I also wondering how I can continue doing this on my own? It soon became apparent that although all people in my circle want to help me, I even asked help, when I was at my worst, they all fled and rejected me... I think I am okay, because ultimately this particular journey is only for me to know and travel on. You can walk with me, Take my hand...

The last four months have been difficult. My Cerebral Palsy has a mind of it's own and is testing me. My leg is over worked and over tired. And I am over it! I don't like taking my frustrations out on my family. I am newly married, and though I love it, I don't like putting this added weight onto my husband. He keeps telling me it will be ok. And maybe it will be, but it just doesn't seem fair to anyone that I am upset, so they should be too. I admit I am stressed and irritable. I am angry, hurt and miserable. The Hell I endure daily is something I cannot describe to any one. I try, but words fail me. My body is failing me. I am failing me.... So this night, I say, I am done with all the negativity. I am turning things around. I am strong I can endure. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that, yes, indeed. Things will be ok.

Honestly, what goes on in my head is beyond what I would consider normal. Yet I am sure I am just like all the other humans out there just trying to make a life in this world. I am feeling pulled this way, then that way. It leaves me drained and exhausted. I hardly have a moment to stop. I am freaking out on the inside and it is traveling out. I am tired of it all. Often wonder what a calm mind would feel like. My mind is never calm. It is always on and in worry frenzy mode. I hate this about myself. I really do. But I'm afraid if I change, will I still be me? So on and on it goes.....

I wish you were here so I can say how mad I am! There is a logic that suggests I should not be, because you are not here. Out of respect I should not speak.... But in my heart I am mad. Mad because you let time take away your health. You died. I hate what I am left with. I lifetime of memories and pain. You kicked me out. let me go. I was lost to you. I was not your dream. Your hope. Why? oh why then did you push me so hard to get up and fight? when you so easily gave up on life and just died? I hate that you invade my thoughts and dreams. I just want to let you go. I don't want to need you so much that it hurts. I am hurt that you never saw me, and yet I am a part of you. I will always be. And this hurts, because I don't want to be..... I fight everyday not to give into these dark thoughts. I fight everyday because of you. For that I am saying thank you.

I don't know how to explain it, but this phrase is always on my mind and constant. It helps somehow. I can see in my minds eye star debris, scattering, exploding. To me, the phenomenon is breathtaking. It gives me a moment to pause breath and focus. At my height of perpetual anxiety, this has helped calm me. As much as I love the support of friends and family, it is not always helpful. Sometimes it is worse. I need at these times to rely on my self. The scattering of stardust was once my universe. I am not sure at this time if I an recreating my old world, starting over, or a little bit of both. Only time will tell. I need to let the dust settle for it all to become clear. Here again I wait.... Until then I watch in awe and wonder as the stars surround me. I am not looking for a forced and specific outcome. I feel I am being gently pulled into the unknown. I am not afraid. In fact I am hopeful. I just wish my anxieties would lay to rest. But they are those very stars that surroun...