Out of Air, Wind and Mist ~ A story in progress

I no longer feel afraid. Writhing in pain, yes, but not afraid. I can feel my entire body tense with stress. I feel some of the layers ease away. I am tired, so very tired. But I can feel the strength rise up within me. I build upon my ancestors. I build upon my family and friends. I often consider my friends as family, for we are all connected. I reach out to grab hold of anything. At moments such as this, the world spins, or is it me that spins? Sometimes I can't tell... I am trying now to build upon myself. For I am strength. I know this. Feel this deep inside. I am strength come alive. I can survive. In order to survive the future, I must release the past. This message is played over in my head so often, it is beginning to sound like a broken record. But I feel this is a crucial step. I big and deep step, yet profound. Today marks a Black moon. Normally I don't pat attention to the phases of the moon. But today, for some reason I did. The second new moon. A second ch...

As I was about to sit and write another post, this song popped in my head. I feel as cold as Ice, but what sacrifice am I willing to pay to feel "normal" again? Love always gets me through, yet I want to abandon all that I am and run tail and hide. It is a good thing, you see. For in the midst of our greatest fear comes the storm of upheaval. Last Thursday I had my first sacral cranial massage. Ever since, I feel I am spiraling, floating sort of out of my body. Like My soul and I are not fully connected. I often felt at war with myself, my whole lif, but this feels like I am in a state of dreaming,... Very odd. I am letting go of old traumas, I know. I can't help but feel the way I am, so open has caused some unresolved issues. What part of me can I share, what part of me can I keep to just me? These are the boundaries I need to create in order to move forward.

I can't help but notice this time of year. The autumn equinox is almost upon us. I noticed the other day the swirling of the leafs in the wind. Almost magical. Like dancing. I don't feel that now, but that doesn't mean I don't want it. I want that freedom. I crave for it like a forgotten lover. I love to dance so much, that I dream of nothing else. At times like this I miss it. But moving, even a little has become a chore. I work hard to be in the moment and pain free. Some of the cause is a feeling of giving up, and giving in to the pain that captures me, torments me. Like the leafs, greening out, waiting at the chance to dance again, I wait. There is hope in my recovery. Always a fighting chance to dance and be free.

Over time, time and again. The concept of time escapes from my head Time to escape. leave this place of pain. At it again, awake, numb, coming undone. Time for control. Take back my life once more. Time to get out of my head. Oh not again. Why am I just standing here? Staring off into space... I feel myself not wanting to move, this scares me. As time moves through me, corrodes me. I just don't care at times. Other times I care too much. Always being pulled back and forth like a yo-yo. I am lost. I stop to think, breathing in deep. Time is on my side, I tell my self. But is it really? I want to hide, to not think of what this all could mean. Is it just me, in my head, like a day dream. The reality is I feel paralyzed, unable to get my body to move like I want it to. Should I just let go? relinquish control of my mind. Let my heart and soul take over? I just don't know For Time alone Escapes me....

I heard this phrase throughout my growing up year. Always overemotional. I worried and fretted. This morning, as I tried giving my one year old milk, she spilled it all over the both of us. And I cried. It is not the milk, but the culmination of all that is happening. I feel lost, confused. Not myself at all.... My fiance asked if I was OK. Thinking of the obscurity of the breakdown, I said I was. But honestly I feel a mess multiplied....

Today I went to the doctors. I got tired of being tired and in pain. Essentially was told it was stress and my C.P. acting up. I am kinda under the weather, feeling a little down. There is nothing I know of to help with C.P. Physical therapy, sure. Yoga, fine. Higher dosage in pain meds, OK. But to go on in life like this absolutely sucks! There are days I want to say I'm done, I give up. But I can't. I just can't. What kind of person would I be. My daughter looks on. It gives me the push I need to continue on.

Don't worry. I really mean a Storm. It rolled in about 2 am. I love the rain, always have. A calming soothing effect. Another night of not sleeping.... I feel sometimes, like is this all worth it? I had a hard day yesterday. I am getting married in 9 months, no where near ready. Hardly started. My dress never arrived. I tried a different one, but no one liked it. Feel like giving up, or maybe just a rest with all of this... Yes, a rest is what I need to restore order to the chaos that surrounds me. .

Another night of tossing and turning and dealing with my pain and Demons. It is 6 am, as I write the house is still. I love this moment. A moment of my own, where my thoughts are still asleep. This is the time I focus my energy into creating a life I want and need. Not to say I am not happy now. For the most part I am. I also know I am a mess. My mind and body is always "ON". Where the heck is the off switch? I feel I am withing reach of the light beyond the dark, just need to reach a bit farther.....

I have made it through Hell and back before. I have Cerebral Palsy. That said, pain comes with the territory. But lately, it is so painful that I am feeling sick... The pain inhibits my ability to eat, and to concentrate. I just want to curl up and sleep, only to wake when the pain ends. Pain to me is like a comforting familiar thing, I live with pain Daily. How do I make it at all you ask? I make it by sheer force, strength and determination.

To be honest, I am not sure how I got here. 2 years ago, I fell in love with the man of my dreams. Before that time, I was drifting through life it seems.... A year ago, I became a mother to a wonderful and beautiful Daughter. Before that time, I knew not who I was..... Now, about 2 months ago, I got engaged, I feel excited, elated, also stressed and overwhelmed. I feel inadequate to the task of Wife..... I know I started on the road to an eating disorder. I don't feel hungry, when I do, I eat, but in half portions. I try for 2 meals a day. I am so anxious and stressed. I lost over 20 pounds. Not going to lie, I love where I am at now, though people worry, I ignore all..... The pressure in my head is intense, the physical pain is high. My mind is scattered. How did I get here you ask? One day I may tell you. But for now, let's just say I am a mess. picking up the pieces of long ago, mending broken and fragmented versions of my self. Always fixing and improving, s...