Out of Air, Wind and Mist ~ A story in progress

I wish you were here so I can say how mad I am! There is a logic that suggests I should not be, because you are not here. Out of respect I should not speak.... But in my heart I am mad. Mad because you let time take away your health. You died. I hate what I am left with. I lifetime of memories and pain. You kicked me out. let me go. I was lost to you. I was not your dream. Your hope. Why? oh why then did you push me so hard to get up and fight? when you so easily gave up on life and just died? I hate that you invade my thoughts and dreams. I just want to let you go. I don't want to need you so much that it hurts. I am hurt that you never saw me, and yet I am a part of you. I will always be. And this hurts, because I don't want to be..... I fight everyday not to give into these dark thoughts. I fight everyday because of you. For that I am saying thank you.

I don't know how to explain it, but this phrase is always on my mind and constant. It helps somehow. I can see in my minds eye star debris, scattering, exploding. To me, the phenomenon is breathtaking. It gives me a moment to pause breath and focus. At my height of perpetual anxiety, this has helped calm me. As much as I love the support of friends and family, it is not always helpful. Sometimes it is worse. I need at these times to rely on my self. The scattering of stardust was once my universe. I am not sure at this time if I an recreating my old world, starting over, or a little bit of both. Only time will tell. I need to let the dust settle for it all to become clear. Here again I wait.... Until then I watch in awe and wonder as the stars surround me. I am not looking for a forced and specific outcome. I feel I am being gently pulled into the unknown. I am not afraid. In fact I am hopeful. I just wish my anxieties would lay to rest. But they are those very stars that surroun...