Out of Air, Wind and Mist ~ A story in progress

Not really doom. Just me being dramatic 🙄 But I do feel alone in this 😕 My eating habits are gross 😝 I don't know how to stop the binging...  I honestly don't know what to say, that will make things easier,  go away... I just don't know what to do.  I am lost and confused 

 I am doing the best I can.  I work out,  I try to eat normal.  Some days I eat well. Others I under eat. Today most of my calories were in one meal and now I feel guilty..... Then there is my husband and his work schedule.  I try to be understanding but Today is Easter and I literally saw him for 10 minutes today.  I am sad and frustrated 😞 😔 😪 

 I have decided a week ago to start over. To reinvent myself.  My image. Glow the .... up. I tried in the past and failed.  Obviously.  Something happened. I can't explain why or what happened.  But let me back up and try to explain.   3 years ago,  I had my PAO hip surgery.  Major trauma 💔 😢 😪  I will tell that story later on. But for now all you need to know is that after surgery I felt weak. I felt so different.  A stranger to myself.  I no longer knew who I was. I let the cerebral palsy control me.  My pain. My emotions,  everything.  Physically I grew tired of trying to walk. I binged on foods. Chips. Chocolate. Cookies.  Anything I could eat, I would.  For years.   So naturally I gained wait.  Now I grew sad.  Always watching my kids play.  I want to play with them.  But couldn't.  I was too in pain and exhausted.  I said  enough! I have had enough....

I hate going to my husband's family for the holidays. It stresses me out. Too much conflict and bad vibes between us.... Then there is my Mom, who landed on the shores of the Summerland around Yule time, nearly 4 years ago now. I am feeling a little depression from it all. But my girls bring the magic out somehow.

Yes, I am stressed and a mess.... My medical insurance is ending, I guess I am along with the other uninsured and somehow hubby will see me through this. I am weaning off the cane. It has left me exhausted. My Ed is going bonkers. I hardly ate anything yesterday and today just a breakfast sandwich. I have lost 4 pounds. My mil is coming this weekend ughs 😔 Sorry my thoughts are scattered. I am feeling overwhelmed and alone by everything. My antidepressants only have 3 more months so I guess I will see what happens after that....

I know I am starting to have ED symptoms again. My sister is worried and so is my husband. It is not about the food I decided to eat that day. But a need to control my environment. I am feeling very out of control with the new baby....